figuratively, i’ve had a sour taste in my mouth for the past few days. it’s not as if i haven’t been doing anything, but i haven’t exactly felt like writing about it. in fact, i haven’t even been reading too many blogs these days either. aside from the fact that our my connection at home has died a sorrowful death, i just haven’t found the time. sorry.

i did, however, buy a mug the other day that says: “mom….always there…always care.” written on it, with a pink border and flowers all around. i really needed a mug to drink tea in class, and i didn’t want something that was plain and dumb. i couldn’t find a #1 mom! or #1 dad! cup either, but jason managed to find me the heartwarming “always care” mug, so i sat in my cinema class and drank tea and pretended to listen to my professor. i got bored and stepped outside with my ceramic mug for a little while and got a some more water, and then strolled back in and plopped down in my chair, like i was watching tv.

i got my paper back in that class and ended up getting a 93. josh gets in today at 620. i have homework to do. i watched the cosby show today and found out that theo was dyslexic. it got me thinking if i was, too.

“we’re happy. what do we do now?”:

tonight, i went and had nice dinner with friends and took a trip to an irish pub to participate in the guiness toast. i was uncomfortable at the bar, which was much too crowded for me, so i ditched the idea of having a drink and went outside and smoked cigarettes instead. it felt like new year’s, two years ago. i was leaning against a wall listening to people talking and having fun, as they counted down the toast. when the countdown was over, everyone drank their drinks and cheered.

sitting there, smoke trailing from my mouth, i watched people pass by and remembered sitting in my apartment in ballard. it was to be the millenium, and i flipped channels back and forth from the countdown in time’s square and south park, working on a bottle of citron and fooling around on an imac. being alone on new year’s isn’t as bad as it sounds.

i talked to hat girl quite a bit today. i was sitting out in front of the library as she walked up behind me and caught my eye. she said hi, and i said hello back. we actually had a good conversation. i was ecstatic for a little while after that, although i need to stop magnifying everything, as doing so tends to make things turn out badly.

why do the strangest things happen when i’m in the library? there’s two campus police officers stalking the grounds looking for someone, apparently, and not being too slick about it. this library is weird.

i got a ride to school this morning. while waiting for the bus, someone asked if i would just like to carpool, i didn’t really say yes or no, but kind of nodded, then followed them to the car. the bus was very late, and i had to get to class, so i rode with someone i had just met, i still never got her name. it was me, plus to other girls, and i kept thinking that they probably thought i was a little creepy. either that or they knew i was shy, ’cause i wasn’t talking much. also, i felt a little intimidated and well, inadequate. the girl that was driving was a speech communications graduate student, and she was going to be late for the class she was ta’ing. in the back, was a neurobioligist medical student, and a pharmacology grad student (i think). i sheepishly said i was an undergrad. in comparative literature. it was weird, but very nice of her to offer us a ride (although it’s not as though she didn’t benefit - to park on campus for free, there needs to be at least 3 bus passes presented at the gate). in any case, hooray for her.

i don’t think i ever really liked knickers. what are they called these days? oh yeah, capris. jeese, those things. i guess they’re not all that bad, if you have nice ankles and neat shoes, but in that case, i’d rather see shants (short + pants = shants). those are good. yay to shants, boo to capris.

eligible, not too stupid, intelligible and cute as cupid, knowledgeable, but not always right, salvageable and free for the night:

i’m reading Kant now. i spent hours trying to get through the first section and the preface, and when i was done, i read it again, and only got half way through. i tend to feel like i have some sort of grasp on what he’s talking about, but there’s always that feeling in the back of my mind that i’m missing a lot of it, too. i’m starting to understand any connections that people have made with him in relation to existentialist philosophy (in reference to the categorical imperative: Always act in such a way that you can also will that the maxim of your action should become universal law) and how it calls upon an autonomy in a similar manner that sartre explains independence in humanity (that existence precedes essence). wait, that doesn’t seem to make much sense.

i guess i was thinking that sartre’s being - that we define ourselves after the fact, kind of coincides with kant’s metaphysical moral philosophy that we are subject to no restrictions insofar as we act autonomously to our surroundings, and that morality is imposed by nothing but ourselves.

am i totally off base here?

dammit, now i’ve confused myself. i don’t need to be confusing myself by bringing in sartre. and to think, i was just going to try and sort out if and how kant fit in with any idea of deconstruction.

end of meandering.

i went out with ben and katy last night, to the big time brewery, and we talked and talked about various things/people. i was called a crushaholic. you’ll get no argument from me about that one. we also talked about going camping, which i haven’t done for a while, and is something i look forward to doing in the very near future.

i love being cold, at night, around a fire, and waking up way too early (or not going to sleep at all) and seeing the sun rise. i like camping on the beach, and spending hours sitting in the sand or walking across it, where it’s just a bit damp, and feeling my feet sink into the ground a bit.

oh, i can’t wait to go camping.

i wish you could see my hair right now, reflected in the computer screen. the sunlight and the flourescent light on the computer, plus the glare and tint of the screen, are making my hair look blue, like superman’s hair.

the little piece at crush.nu is gone already, it was on there a little over a day, and i don’t think they put it in the archives. i didn’t think it was that good, but if they didn’t either, i’d have rather they just not posted it, and i would have no false hopes that they thought so. believe it or not, i do care about validation from my peers.

i was absolutetly fucking baffled as i approached her. i saw her earlier in the day, back when it was sunny. she walked right by me, i could have sworn i made eye contact with her, but the sun was in my eyes, so i couldn’t really tell. i passed right by her, and i smiled. she looked away, and didn’t make any attempt to say hello or even nod her head. no, she just walked on by.

but by now, late in the afternoon, the sun had disappeared into a blanket of grey clouds and it was about half an hour before our class. i walked out of the computer lab, ready to head upstairs and there she was, sitting on the bench right outside the door. i looked at her from the corner of my eye, and walked by, as if i didn’t know she was there. i headed to the bathroom.

finishing my business, i walked out the door and realized my zipper was half way open. bad news. i hit reverse and walked back in the direction i came. fixing what needed to be fixed, i turned back around and whispered to myself aloud, “okay…okay be cool.” thinking i was tim roth in reservoir dogs right before he steps out the door of his apartment to go out with the gang.

i walk up behind her, and look her straight in the eye and say hello. she says hi, looking rather shocked and dare i say, annoyed. she seemed very annoyed actually. i asked her how she was doing, which, granted may seem kind of odd if i haven’t ever really talked to her before, but i was being as nice as possible. we sat and talked about school, about our chinese film class mostly, but she seemed fucking perturbed that i sat down and tried to talk to her. the thing is, i don’t think it was me being awkward, she really was making this as hard as possible for me.

after a few too many awkward pauses, and me not even being able to look her in the eye and say something, i got up to leave.

“well, i’m gonna go up to class.”
“why?”
“i don’t know, so i can sit in the dark and pretend i like it.”
“okay….” she says. my back is already turned and i’m walking away. she says a little louder, “have fun!”

needless to say, i am more confused than ever now. i think it’s a little early to call it ambivalence, but i shall put that word on the shelf for easy access when i am sure.

haha. this is funny:Google Search: bar peed pants drinking

i’ve had some troubles publishing lately, as well as lack of anything interesting to say. the weekend has been a long one, and tonight is the end of it, as i didn’t have school today. i sat around and worked on some homework, went to glo’s this morning to visit jonas who works there, and to talk with alisha for a while. damn, their eggs florentine is so good. i love it. i was first considering marrying garlic, as i loved it so much, but eggs florentine is wooing me with diamonds and flowers and an oh so creamy and delicious hollandaise sauce that will kill me if i have too much, but garlic comes out my pores and makes me smell. i can’t decide. they’ll probably both just end up leaving me anyway.

ahem. there’s a story of mine at crush.nu right now, but not about hat girl, but about philosophy girl. i’m sure i’ve told you about her. if not, go read up.

ahh, ed was on tonight, and i just realized that the opening song is a foo fighters song. i was about to post something acknowledging some sort of indie cred the ff’s had because of retaining nate mendel from sunny day, but decided to not try after getting 60+ hits on cds by them at cddb.com. i must admit that they do however write some good songs.

but back to ed. nevermind, i don’t really have anything else to say about it, but i stayed home instead of going to the sit’n’spin to watch it. pathetic? quite possibly.

i woke up this morning to npr talking about wong kar-wai’s new film, in the mood for love, which i really want to see, despite the cheesy title. i took it as a sign of sorts.

i should be writing a paper right now. yeah, i’m gonna do that.