Last week when I was hanging out with the cable guys all day trying to get our shiznit connected, I walked out the door with one of them — there were actually two cable guys, neither of whom were very talkative, but one of which I had brief conversation with regarding the Pirates — he had a Pirates cap on.
“You like the Pirates?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“I like that Jason Bay.”
“That’s all we got.”
“Freddy Sanchez is good.” Trying to find the light.
“Inconsistent.” Shot down.
“No pitching.”
“We need pitching,” he agrees.
“Oliver Perez was good for a season.” Trying to find the light.
“No.” Shot down.
“With the Mets now, though.” Change the subject.
“No pitching.” Shot down.
“Bad market for pitching this year, too.” I’m giving up.
“Yeah.”
“No pitching,” I tried. “You sure you don’t want some water or something?”
It reminded me of that Seinfeld episode where Jerry is talking to the naked guy in the subway about the Mets.
Anyway, my initial point was, while I was walking out the door with the Primary Cable Guy, I call him that because he was the one doing most of the work, we catch some dude smoking a joint on our front porch. He immediately drops his spliff and crushes it out on our front step and jams out of our front yard.
I barely recognize what’s going on, but the PGC knows, and he’s like, “That guy’s smoking weed in your front yard!”
Stupidly, I say, “Really?”
Dude looks at me, “Can’t you feel it? Can’t you smell it?”
I could, and for a long time I thought it was our mailman taking a break from delivering mail and enjoying a little afternoon delight. Note: not the same Afternoon Delight that The Starland Vocal Band enjoyed.
The CGs were pretty curt with me up until that point. And as they finished their job, I tipped them, and it was like opening the flood gates:
“You know that guy was getting fresh in your front yard,” PGC was livid for me.
“Yeah, I know.”
“I would have called the cops, but it’s not my house. I know that guy doesn’t smoke weed in front of his house.”
“Yeah. It was the mailman, right?”
“No, it was some delivery guy. Moving guy.”
I wish I remembered what company it was. I can’t imagine moving other people’s shit while high. Wouldn’t you just want to sit on the couch you’re moving and watch the TV you just carried up that fourth floor walk-up? Isn’t that what happens in all those commercials?
I didn’t call the cops, basically because I had very little information for them, and it seems like everyone gets high in our neighborhood. The other day some dude was rockin’ a huge blunt right in the subway — less than a hundred feet from an MTA worker. Wasn’t harming anyone, but I thought that thing was gonna hotbox the whole station.
Big City Stuff. Small college town pothead-type stuff. At least they weren’t smoking crack. That’s a different story.