June 20th, 2008
When I read the previous year’s “Abouts” I admit I cringe a little bit. I sound so happy and chirpy and optimistic. Year three almost knocked that optimism right out of me.
Usually I write these “About” updates at the beginning of the year on the anniversary of when I started the blog. I am about 10 months late for the anniversary
Last year in August-ish I was embroiled in a truly bad period of my life. Longball had undergone a pretty unsuccessful surgery, I had just realized that I hated my job and I was suffering from depression. Longball and I were fighting and on the verge of breaking up. I broke a number of clocks and cell phones in fits of rage. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about my life at all, let alone publicly here. I wasn’t even sure I’d keep this blog.
Also since my chirpy “Abouts” I was affected by some death in my circle. My childhood friend Ellen lost her daughter Emma and my Aunt Shannon died. I never got to meet Emma and I knew Aunt Shannon my whole life, but both deaths affected me deeply. I was so used to always looking forward, always postponing happiness. I had been languishing in crappy jobs, trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life. Emma and Shannon really taught me that the time is now make a change for myself and therefore make a change for others by becoming a psychologist.
Even more importantly, I realized that I can’t wait to achieve that goal to be happy. “When I get the perfect job I’ll be happy.” “When I pay off my debt, then I’ll be happy.” “When I clean my apartment, I’ll be happy.” No matter where I am and what I’m doing, it’s time to be happy now. I’m trading my naive cliches for another one: we have no idea how much time we have.
The year was rough, but it was during this rough year though that I decided to re imagine and re-craft my life. I’m so happy that I decided to make a change instead of wallowing. I’m also glad I decided to keep writing.
I looked back at the declarations I made in “Year two” and despite being irritated at myself for sounding so naive, I do like that I listed out my goals. Looking back at these goals, I didn’t do half bad:
“I will continue writing in other forums and submit something for publishing.
I will grow my bangs out.
I will look into volunteer options or future career options that relate to animals and therapy.
I will have fun.
I will keep trying.”
I continued writing here, which is a miracle. I didn’t send anything out for publishing. But I also didn’t throw my laptop across the room in fury and break it. I would consider this a success. I also made a very good friend who also is a writer and she has encouraged me to get back on the horse. I consider this a goal met.
Not only did I look into volunteer opportunities, I got a job in social services and enrolled in school to pursue Psychology (and animal-assisted therapy). Goal met!
I’m still having fun. Goal met.
Damnit I’m still trying. Goal met.
I seem to be in a constant state of growing out my bangs. I cut them sometime last year. Goal missed.
New goals:
Take it easy on myself and others.
Enjoy my psychology classes.
Enjoy everything because I don’t know how long anything will last.
Stop cutting my goddamned bangs.
I always like to post a photo of myself during the time period, and tradition includes a photo of me laughing. This one is completely ridiculous and perfect.
I actually showed up to Longball’s apartment wearing this outfit in all seriousness - it wasn’t a costume - and he made me pose for a photo. For the record I’m wearing a cut-up Oxford sweatshirt, gym shorts, a parka and galoshes. It was December, we were preparing for his second hip surgery, and things in my life were at one of the heights of crapitude. I was out of clothes (laundry day) and threw on what I had to come over to help Longball clean his apartment. I looked so absurd and it exemplified exactly how chaotic I was feeling.
But at least I am laughing about it.