August 3, 2006
I looked over the first “About” page that I wrote last year when I started this blog. It’s all still true - the things that I love. My esteem for mayo has not subsided. What made me pause was this line:
“I love the idea that I will make a difference in people’s lives by my passion for writing, film, animals and psychology.”
I became sad and disappointed in myself because I had so many plans for this past year. Plans that of course included film school. Back-up plans that included a cool, creative job that paid well, which went to another candidate on Tuesday afternoon. I had not finished a novel or a screenplay or even a short story. I had not made any sort of difference. I had not avoided turning 30.
I quickly started a bad report card of “had nots” for myself.
But then I ripped that report card up.
Because I decided that my life, and this blog, was not going to be about the “had nots.” What about the “hads”?
I had a lot of fun.
I had traveled.
I had applied and tried.
I had fallen in love.
I had buried my face in my cat’s fur.
I had gone roller skating.
I had written. Mostly due to this blog.
So therefore I had been a success.
More importantly, those “had nots” just got in the way between me and the “I wills.” Because I can do anything, and besides inertia, self-doubt is the only thing in my way.
I will continue to write here about some of the bigger themes in my life right now:
1. Negotiting and creating an adult romantic relationship.
2. My career/vocation and the struggles that I am having.
3. My amusing feline.
4. Lots of other random stuff that will hopefully make you laugh.
I will continue writing in other forums and submit something for publishing.
I will grow my bangs out.
I will look into volunteer options or future career options that relate to animals and therapy.
I will have fun.
I will keep trying.
I leave you with another picture - a picture from this past year (June 17, 2006). I wanted to again choose a picture where I was laughing. When I remembered this one I also saw that I am wearing the same shirt! Again I’m wearing the pink shirt and again I’m laughing. The difference is that now I have Longball by my side to laugh with me.
I don’t know if it’s failures or age but life is starting to distill, and what is really important is left.
